This article illustrates a topic in my previous blog, Transforming Our Internal Universe on changing our brains and how we can release encoded memories and break old habits in order to rewire our minds for greater performance and overall enjoyment of life.

To summarize, in order to change, grow and develop ourselves, we need to demonstrate a will greater than our circumstances and then adopt new habits by initially breaking old ones. Being provided with instant feedback from the responses of our environment as we act and do things greatly assists our personal understanding of the consequences of our actions, for example, as a child when you first touched fire, the feedback was immediate: a burn.

Similar principles apply in more sophisticated forms later in life: as we apply a method of relating to others, at work or at home, their reactions teach us how to adapt our responses to various persons, for the best possible outcome in our communication. The same applies to our work and living habits: a certain way of doing things, such as handling our pile of documents on our desk or setting up a schedule of appointment for the week, may be efficient in which case the outcome (feedback) is immediate and positive: the way we organized ourselves saved us time and effort while fostering a sense of achievement. This type of feedback is self -reinforcing: the more we do of the same, the more we reinforce a habitual way of doing things.

At times, the feedback is less successful or can even be disastrous. If our communication is not well received or not understood, it potentially leads to tense moments when interacting with others. The way we keep organizing our desk leads to the loss of needed documents, generally at the very time they are needed, or we keep our schedule in such way that we miss an appointment.

This type of feedback, after it happens a number of times and doesn’t lead to a desired outcome, tells us that it is time to change the way we are handling things.

We seek to create new behaviors and ways to do things to create the outcome we desire. Accordingly we look for positive feedback. This in turn reinforces our idea that we can adopt this new strategy and it gives us the motivation to pursue it and refine it.

Change requires first that we become aware that something is not working and not serving us. It then requires that the discomfort is great enough for us to want to take steps to get back to a state of satisfaction. It then requires intent. The matter moves from “ something’s wrong “ to “what” to change to “how “ to change it.
The question “how” happens often as we are feeling the full impact of discomfort, stress or even distress about our current condition or issue. It is generally at that stage that we start educating ourselves through self-help or various educational books or any methods on the topic relevant to our issue. Because we are exploring brand new ways to do things, the question now moves from “can I change it” to “how can I change it”, as we become more aware of the issue and grasp ways to solve the issue.

At that point, intent and will power come into play. We consider will as the ability to choose a course and stick to it, no matter what. A simple example would be the decision to stop smoking or lose weight. With will, we believe we can quit cold turkey, or stick to a low calorie diet for the weeks or months it takes to reach ideal weight. We build up our resolve through positive words, creation of a plan, enlisting friends’ support, and many other devices.

“Sticking to it” is the key. This method works for many but not all. Along the way, a cigarette will be smoked and a chocolate cake will be eaten. This may lead to a sense of failure, with the thoughts “ I am weak”, “I can’t do it”. Some will then give up and return to smoking and high calorie diets, while others will persist and give another try at “sticking to it”. The issue becomes that as ‘failures’ pile up, we become much less motivated to give it another try. What can we do then, except for giving up?

There is another approach to using our will and intent: it involves being realistic and expecting failures along the way, and in doing so, we can make the failures more manageable. This requires being aware that what has been wired into our brain for months if not years (e.g., a smoking habit) can not be undone through a statement “just like that, I can will” (please see my previous blog: Transforming Our Internal Universe) for information about how we create and keep habits not only at the thought level, but also how our whole body sets a “normal” threshold of arousal through our biological systems’ operations and creation of chemical cocktail releases, as well as wiring of our neural pathways).

In essence, all our behaviors are not simply the result of habits and mental processes. We have to take into account that we have neurologically wired ourselves to maintain those habits and that not only mental, but also physiological process within our bodies must be taken into account. If behavior and bodily responses are changed, it can re-align thoughts and emotions that are repetitive and habitual, and all those in turn lead us to repeat behaviors of which we are no longer aware, because we are on auto-pilot.

So how to achieve change? It will not happen merely by discounting the strength of our wiring and implementing a new behavior through will alone and which we stack upon old wiring. If this were the case, we would end up with competing drives. Instead, we have to undo the current wiring of our synapses in order to create new wiring, along a new path and then make that path habitual so that associated chemical releases in our bodies change too, until we have developed strong mental connections that lead to a new habit of doing, thinking and feeling.

The key to the will element is to stick to a realistic expectation as we go and in our decision to use a number of tools to reach this goal, one tool being REPETITION of a desired new behavior or pattern of thinking and its associated emotions. Some other tools are: developing awareness of our current wiring, and learning simple techniques to develop such awareness, so we can catch ourselves in the moment and undo the wiring while also implementing, right here, right now, an alternative response. Finally, we need awareness to observe the feedback and draw lessons from it.

If the feedback seems to be the outcome we seek, then we have a new path to pursue by reinforcing our wiring build-up and fostering new cocktails of chemical releases in our bodies. If the outcome is not what we sought, we can seek a brand new path or a slightly different one so we can tweak the responses, or feedback we get.

It is a slow process, made of trials and errors, and hence exercising will is not to “quit smoking” (this is our goal) but to stick to steps that allow us to build our will, and as we become more proficient, leading us toward our goal.

In doing this, we consistently align body and mind and observe our emotions, to foster change, because our being is congruent, without pulls and pushes from one part of ourselves against the other. This ‘consistent’ observation of self and alignment is not a difficult technique to learn and takes no time to implement. It consists in replacing outdated and no longer useful thoughts with new ones. Once such method as been applied to one area of your life, it becomes ‘wired’ too, as memory, thought and behavior, and also as body sensations and physiological and chemical processes, and finally as emotions. You can then draw on this knowledge, where you whole self is ‘aligned’ to now tackle other aspects of yourself that you want to improve, using this same technique over and over again.

In essence, we learn to notice and analyze the feedback we get before and as we change, apply some techniques to develop greater awareness of the various processes going on in our bodies as beacons and compass, do the same with learning to accurately define our emotions, use tools to defuse our thoughts as they relate to what we want to change, learn to operate in the now, moment by moment, and rest our chattering mind and in doing this using our intent or will to REPEAT a new pattern, which in turn creates new neural pathways in our minds.

Those tools and techniques will be the topic of my next blog.

Link to Wired Article on line:
http://www.wired.com/magazine/2011/06/ff_feedbackloop/

However, how do we synchronise these three parts for peak functioning?

This comes through the integration of feelings, senses, and thoughts.

Such integration involves understanding and managing our inner world, which includes the rational mind (the thoughts) and our capacity to have and identify certain emotions. It also involves understanding the relationship between our environment and our body, through its ability to sense and self regulate. In this sense, all aspects are interconnected.

Once a thought exists in our mind, masses of physiological reactions occur in the body and emotions are felt.

Lets put it to the test: notice the sensations you feel when you recall a cherished event, or a person you love.  Then after a short break, do the same,but this time recall an intense moment, one of anger, frustration, fear, or sadness.

The  sensations are different and produce either well-being and relaxation or tension. These sensations are only the surface sensing of much deeper processes at play within your body.

The thoughts create a cascade of bodily reactions that in turn produce what and how we feel, and naturally how we act.  Each time we direct our attention or awareness to a given thought, feeling, event or situation, we set in motion subtle neurological processes that alter our blood flow, activate several glands and produce a chemical cocktail that is released in various organs and changes our physiological systems such as the respiratory or cardio-vascular systems, accelerating or slowing them down.  They also modify electrical impulses in various parts of the brain, and create new combinations and sequences in the neurological pathways.

All these processes remain unnoticed unless by our brain’s unconscious.  However, what we put our attention on, ultimately defines us on a neurological level: we become what we think and our body’s health is related to how and what we think.

Our habitual thinking trains our body to react to  certain habitual chemical processes.  Whatever the chemical releases, they become regular and reach a state of normality over time.  Some however become abnormal. For instance, increased arousal levels caused by adrenalin production, perhaps the result of a stressful life,  can over time lead to cardiac issues.  Yet we do not notice, because these conditions are our level of normal, that is usual and functioning.

Think of similar events occurring over time, such as the daily rush to work, and the way we think and react to this.  Chances are, we think and act in the same manner, time after time, without even noticing, and this in turn creates the same chemical processes that run repeatedly through our body.  Depending on the processes, rushing to work every day can be a fun and relaxing experience that can be nurturing to the body, or detrimental to our health. All depends on the feelings and thoughts associated with ‘going to work’ and the chemicals thus released internally.

Sometimes, we become aware of how we think and how we do things similarly and perhaps, how it may affect our body and our health.  Because we are versatile beings and are capable of thought, we can  then choose to keep our attention on the thoughts, feelings and actions that serve us,as opposed to those that, though once useful to us, we now recognize are detrimental to us.

For instance, placing your attention on pain in the body is beneficial: it tells you that you need to pay attention to an injury or illness, and take appropriate steps to heal.  However, if the pain becomes chronic, or if you worry about it , or get frustrated because the pain impedes your daily life, your focus makes the pain exist even more.  At that point, if you place your attention on something else, the part of the brain that processes body sensations switches off, and the pain goes away or its intensity reduces significantly.  If you pay attention to pain consistently, you wire your neurons strongly toward the pain, and you develop a more acute perception of it. Like a finely-tuned instrument, your body and thoughts are now able to feel the pain even more acutely.

Our attention brings anything to life.  We mold ourselves by the repeated attention we give to something: we are a work in progress, and through experiences, memories, fantasies, all information inputs alter our brain cells by neurologically rearranging and rewiring neural pathways through the various stimuli we get.

In essence, we become what we spend our time mentally attending to.  Hence, the thought that we have the ability to reshape our brain, and thus, reshape our destiny holds true.

Yet, can we unlock the means to manage our thoughts, feelings, and reactions to move from stress and pains toward regeneration and change?

The answer is yes and a stark contrast to older beliefs that the mind is static. 21^st Century research shows us otherwise.

We have the neuro-plasticity to “break the habit of being my usual me.”  Our brain can and does evolve and it does so limitlessly.We are able to achieve congruence of thought, feeling, and action, as we move away from a state of stress and reactivity to a state of alert mindfulness.

Through our own stress, we exist in a primitive state of survival, one that limits our evolution.  We experience life, but do not reach our peak. Realising our potential demands alertness, flexibility and health.

Sometimes, we choose to remain in a situation that creates stress: a less than satisfying job, an unhealthy relationship or location, and so on…  Why is it so? Why do we stay in a situation we dislike? Why don’t we change what makes us suffer? We know intuitively that “this is not good for us”, yet we feel unable to change anything about it and “put up with it”.

The response is simple: because not only have we become accustomed to whatever conditions we live in, but we also have mentally become addicted to the emotional states they produce, and our bodies have come to assimilate that the chemical reactions that arouse from that state of being are normal and are to be expected.

As we become stuck in one mindset or attitude, genetics are partially responsible, but we have hardwired a part of our brain through repeated thoughts and actions. And these are difficult to change.

To consider changing is to accept becoming different: we are no longer who we used to be.

We first have to experience something that makes us feel uncomfortable enough to want things to be different, and we sense that to overcome our life conditions, we have to change something in ourselves.

So, how do we overcome this challenge of redefining ourselves? How do we change something in ourselves to create new connections in our brains, new habits, or new approaches to similar events? How do we create the principles upon which, from timid we become bold, from helpless with finances we become confident we can take care of our financial future? How do we move from feeling dissatisfied with our relationship or job, towards a stage where we can change their dynamics, or simply make a decision we may now still fear, that of leaving them?

Overcoming a challenge requires first that we demonstrate a will greater than our circumstances,and second that we adopt new habits, by initially breaking old habits, through the release of encoded memories of past similar experiences that are outdated and no longer apply to, nor serve us in, our present circumstances.

My next article will describe some of the methods we can use to build up will, release old habits and how to rewire our minds for greater efficiency and happiness by achieving congruence of thought, feeling and senses as we learn to integrate senses, thoughts and body responses.

Coaching and counseling can help and support you in this work. How about contacting me for obligation-free information and for assistance in devising a three to ten week plan to help you get there?

MBB (Mind Body Bridging) is the method we will use as you journey to transform your mind. It is a 21^st Century modality, used in various medical, psychological and coaching practices, with techniques drawn from the latest findings in neurological science and psychology, and thoroughly tested in clinical settings.

*credits appear in the presentation page.

Separation is painful even when both parties behave and stick to  ‘’good dumper’ and ‘good dumpee’ roles.

However, when a bad-dumpee is also a bad-dumper (roles alternate in some separations) all hell can break loose.  S/he wants out of the relationship but does not have the strength nor courage to be the dumper. S/he will make life miserable for their partner to force them to become the one who leaves. This is a form of abuse as the one who wants to make the relationship work finds themselves cornered into doing what they wanted to pre-empt.

At that point, the bad-dumpee not only enacts the rejection they provoked in the first place, but they also become a bad-dumper.  A bad-dumper is like a runaway kid.  They see the grass greener on the other side of the fence, and all that is needed for them to be happy is to get out of the relationship. There’s often a new love partner conveniently lined up. The bad-dumper avoids dealing with feelings, actions and attitudes that need to be changed and s/he does not provide closure to the dumpee; this is another form of abuse.

The ‘bad dumpee turned bad dumper’ is the partner most  likely to enact the anger that naturally follows  initial  feelings of guilt (dumper) and rejection (dumpee) as these feelings are strongly felt during the separation.

It is therefore essential, if you find yourself pushed into the role of reluctant dumper, that you take self-protective steps, by first carefully assessing the risk of abuse before doing so, and then ensuring your safety well before walking out. For instance, start describing the situation to relatives, friends and professionals and start collecting documentary and photographic evidence before you leave. You could well need it!

The following stories illustrate worst case scenarios involving a bad-dumpee who is also a bad-dumper.

A client discovered her partner’s series of infidelities and took time out after discussing with him her reasons for doing so; their daughter found him and his assistant in their bed a couple of days later. When she confronted him about it, he threatened to leave her penniless if they were to divorce. She filed a week later after breaking down, and was physically threatened soon after, with a gun no less.

Another person found himself denied access to his children until the courts produced an order. He didn’t see his children for 18 months.  He says, she asked him to leave and then changed her mind a few weeks later, after he’d moved out. He did not agree to a reconciliation. She felt dumped and she retaliated using access to the children as leverage.

Another person had counter-filing against her, when she reported to police that her broken arm was the consequence of him getting into a rage when she told him she wanted to separate. He did not like being the one left. He told her “then get out of my house” in no uncertain terms after shoving her . He had to now become the dumper, regain control, and did so by breaking her arm .  He had the economic power, and could afford to bring the matter to court. She spent much needed money defending herself.

Another person found all his clothes cut to pieces and his CD collection destroyed after telling her he wanted out. He succumbed to anger as a result, and smashed her vintage car in return.

And finally, one client walked out on her partner, and was threatened to be ‘ruined in court’ by him if she refused to sign a potentially reputation ruining blackmail letter - his reputation more than hers!!! – in exchange for monies he owed to her. The letter was squarely putting the responsibility of the breakup on her victimising him. She refused to sign the letter and cried wolf publicly. He retaliated by destroying her property and writing to acquaintances that “she was both mentally unstable and a thief, and he had to break off the relationship to distance himself from such a dangerous person.”

And so it goes. The rule of thumb is: beware of what you thought you knew about your mate. If you believe that you are placed in the role of the dumper, be cautious.  Separation may start well, but, just as there is a “honeymoon period” in any new relationship, there’s something called “a separation honeymoon” in a break up. Don’t trust it, because no matter how well behaved you are or you believe s/he will behave, once your ex-partner’s feelings of dumper guilt and dumpee rejection are exhausted, and the ‘deal is done’, anger will invariably follow, and may be enacted in devastating ways.

Will you or will your partner destroy property, blackmail,  threaten, break arms, produce a  gun, defame, refuse access to children?  Or instead, will you take time out with no contact for as long as it takes to exhaust the post break up rage?

Realise too that when a bad dumpee/dumper aggresses you, you have every right to ‘retaliate’ as you feel necessary to protect yourself, and that sometimes, rather than fight fire with water, it is best to fight fire with greater fire… A good lawyer should do.

And please, if you have lived through scenarios similar to the any of those described, it is possible that you have experienced trauma, even if you are not yet aware of it. In that case, it’s time to get professional help.

A break up affects people at many levels: emotional, social, psychological and material. No matter who breaks the relationship, the partner with the most economic power will “win”, i.e., will suffer the least damage at least in the social and economic realms.  The aftermath of the breakup may result in resentment, retaliation, and anger from your partner and your own anger.  Then there will be material demands such as dividing property, finding a new place to live, deciding on child custody, working with lawyers, and setting new boundaries with your ex partner. This whole process may take weeks or months and even years, as you adjust and rebuild your life and create new beginnings.

You may be hurting right now, even if you are the one who decided to break it off. The pain tells you that you need to heal and learn from this experience. Yet, many of us seem to rush into a new committed relationship before we have had time to take stock about what went wrong and why the relationship ended.

Although we are all different people, breakups follow similar patterns. Moreover, all crises, as they end, follow a similar pattern!

The following may help you make sense of the feelings and situations you may experience with the end of a relationship and other various crises. It is a road map to what to expect over time, until we can say that we have recovered and became wiser about the experience. These feelings and attitudes may happen in succession,  a cycle, or concurrently.

Denial comes first, no matter if we are the one who leaves or the one left behind.  Denial is a wonderful mechanism that allows us to only feel as much pain as we can handle in a given moment. Denial prevents us getting overwhelmed. As we adjust we come back to realities and over time accept what is. Denial subsides gently over weeks, months, or sometimes years.

Acceptance that the relationship has ended breaks denial.  It involves asking honest questions about what caused the separation. If you are the one leaving, part of that work is already done, yet if the separation results in a flare up of destructive emotions involving anger and retaliation, there will be denial as you are experiencing the outcome of your partner’s wrath… and the consequences of enacting your own.

Fear.  We don’t know what comes next as the fabric of our life disintegrates and we have now an empty slate, where we are free to recreate, alone, whatever future we want for ourselves, not knowing whether we have the courage to move on and meet the unknown.

We now slowly start adapting to new circumstances. Some of us are now single parents and must become self-supporting. We have an empty slate. This can be paralyzing.  Unless we can identify and face our fears, the main one being fear of an unknown future, we are likely to experience all of them, unprepared.

The next feeling we experience it of loneliness. Some habits must be altered as you are now totally alone and no longer including another person in what you do. You need to transmute loneliness to aloneness, a state where you are comfortable being on your own and with yourself.

Let’s look at friendship next. We may need the presence of friends more than ever when we separate, yet separation and divorce may be threatening to friends as they feel they may have to side, or the separation forces them to question their own relationship. You must be aware that some social relationships will end with the breakup. This may be a time to assess who around you understands the emotional pain you feel and your new status, without rejecting you.

Guilt and rejection are natural feelings during a separation and generally the person who breaks it off feels guilt for hurting the other, while the other feels rejected. Those feelings last as long as the “separation honeymoon”. During that stage everyone tries to behave. Then, within generally three months of the separation, anger is expressed, and the outcomes may be devastating. But, anger is necessary in the process of letting go.

Whether you are the one who leaves, or the one left behind, we brought a lot of our past in that relationship, and the past often determines the present course of events in anyone’s relationships.

Anger can be the most explosive step, and still is absolutely necessary.  Many people discover a brand-new side to themselves and experience rage to an extent they never thought possible. The rage is generally directed at the ex-partner and their property. Rage, if handled properly, is an excellent means to distance yourself emotionally from your ex-partner. In some cases, this emotion becomes extreme, as it also always involves vindictiveness and bitterness. Beside physical harm, an extremely destructive form of expressing anger consists in using the children as a vehicle. If you need to hit below the belt, do not use the children. It is they who will suffer most. Also remember that if anger could not be expressed in the course of the relationship, it will erupt as you separate and divorce, because buried feelings are now allowed to surface.

Grief is the most emotionally draining part of a crisis, yet it is very important for the recovery process. It combines sadness and despair, and may come out as a continuous talk about the situation, feeling drained, emotional numbness, loss of reality, depression, not sleeping, significant weight loss, rapid mood changes, and developing illness. A special note: suicide ideations are common in approximately 75% of persons experiencing grief.

Letting go is another step that happens progressively. It is important to stop investing emotionally in a dead relationship, as this is an investment without chance of return. It is best to invest in your personal growth and fully disentangle. Adopting a no-contact policy for a while, and removing mementoes are good policy while you still feel fragile.

Then come self-worth. Many relationships that end in separation were destructive to one or both partner’s self-esteem and sense of self-identity. Self-esteem is often at its lowest when the love relationship ends. To improve self-worth you must come to terms with the various feelings experienced during a breakup. A separation can become an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. But to do this, you must make a decision to change.

We think that we escape the influence of our families of origin when we choose a partner. In fact, more often than not, we perpetuate their patterns. How many of us can admit to marrying our father or mother?

Then there is a period of transition. You want to understand why the relationship ended, perform a kind of autopsy.  This allows you to work on yourself and built different relationships in the future. During that stage, if you do the work, you will understand the influence of your family of origin. You will discover that your partner is very similar to your parents or that you wanted your partner to be like a relative, so that you could finish tasks pending from childhood, something you may have been trying to work out in each of your previous adult relationships. This transition, if well handled, will prepare you to become free to be yourself.  Here are some of the qualities you need to work at:

Trust. Build a basic level of trust within yourself as you adjust to singlehood. Too often we think we cannot trust anyone from the opposite sex anymore after a separation. Loving means to risk being vulnerable again and risking being hurt again. It does not mean that you have to withhold your trust.

Openness. Stop pretending to be someone you are not and to be feeling what you’re not.  It is time to take off the mask and drop the shield. Wearing a mask cannot be sustained overtime, as it consumes too much emotional energy and prevents intimate connections. Be yourself, at least with your (new) mate and friends.  Keep the veneer for work and social, non-intimate relationships.

Love. A relationship forces us to ask what love means to us. Often we think that the relationship turns because we are not lovable enough, when in fact it was our partner’s definition of love that was, maybe, not appropriate for us. Learn to love yourself first and foremost, so that you can give love and receive love.

As children, we ought have received unconditional love from our parents. When this was denied to us we turn to our partners and we’re bound to be disappointed because the only unconditional love we can get as adults is the love and unconditional regard we give ourselves.

After a relationship is ended we may find another relationship very quickly. It seems that this new relationship has everything which lacked in the previous one. It is not necessarily so. What has happened instead is that we are becoming who we want to be and we are taking back our power and taking responsibility for what we are feeling as we become clearer about what we want.

Too many people believe that rushing to a new committed, long-term, relationship is going to make them feel ok again. This will not work out. The healthy way to look at those new relationships post separation is as “rebound.” They are transitional and designed to make you feel whole again. They fulfill the important purpose of making us feel better about ourselves.  Yet, be aware that they are built during a needy time in our life. Ensure that your new partner is aware of this and learn the skill of healthy termination.  Often these transitional relationships will emphasize passion and romantic love.

Sex. The common wisdom has it that being single guarantees lots of free sex. The other side of the coin is that having a partner guarantees stable and safe satisfaction of sexual desires.   People may fall into extremes after a separation: that of no sex at all because of the pain, or that of near compulsive sex, – one night stands – by beaming anger, loneliness, self-doubts to their sex drive.

What matters is to find how the emotional aspect of your relationships support your sexual relationship and whether you can respect your partner and share similar moral value systems about what you consider appropriate sexual behaviors.

About being single.

There are a few more hurdles that we need to overcome before we can say that we have handled our separation successfully and that we have rebuilt our life to our liking, such as learning to live alone and become once again an independent person. It has drawbacks, especially for women. Single women do not fare well economically compared to single men and couples.  It is also a stage in which you may become stuck for fear to being hurt again if you haven’t done your homework.

Look at the benefits: now you have freedom of choice. As you look backward and take stock, you have hopefully come out stronger and emotionally resilient and with more knowledge about yourself. You have worked through many feelings and experiences. You are free to choose to remain single or try another relationship. You have learned to recognize the needs that have been unmet by your previous partners.

A special word about children. Children of divorce go through the same process described in this article, and need to rebuild too. As they follow your example, if your adjustment process is firmly implemented, they will adjust more easily as a result and grow emotionally resilient. Also, research points on single parents becoming more responsive to the needs of their children, because of what they have learned during separation and divorce.

There are signs that not all is right in your relationship, including early warnings signals that you brushed off and ignored months or years ago.  You may feel that although you are dissatisfied, so much is tied socially, economically, and emotionally with your partner, that it may be worth attempting to patch things up, and renew your commitment.  The decision to leave, however, is difficult and different.

The following will help you clarify your mind about your current situation.

• Did your initial meeting result in positive impression? (a client* stated that her  feeling when first meeting her now ex-mate was of intense dislike,  yet the person had been described in such glowing terms that she was eager to find the ‘good’ in him and was flattered when he showed interest in her)
• Did you feel reluctant to commit, yet you agreed to date, were engaged with your mate for, at the time, valid reasons despite hesitations?
• Did you engage in out of ordinary  behaviors, such as crying, feeling apprehension that was not the excitement of meeting him/her, suffering from ailments or depressed moods, or feeling unease as your relationship progressed?

This will give you a clue, as your intuition or guts feelings spoke, whether you and your partner were a match.  Listen to your body as you interact with a person or think bout them.

Jody* recollects that on her wedding day, her fiancé John was behaving oddly and was in a sullen and quiet, even sad mood.  He had behaved that way in the few days leading to the ceremony.  She barely noticed at the time, and attributed his reactions to the stress of the wedding.  Weeks later, he left her abruptly, after telling her that he had had doubts from the time of their engagement and had not wanted to go through with the wedding, because he had realized, that he “didn’t love her.”  Jody was devastated and, in retrospect, wished she had spoken with John before the wedding.

Some things we do not recognize until the relationship is well established.  Maybe your courtship was flamboyant and a roller coaster of exciting emotions, with dreams and great expectations.  Your mate looked ideal though, as some aspects of their personality shone through, you felt somewhat uneasy but said to yourself “we’ll address that in time” or “I can accept this.”

Mary * recalls how in the first 9 weeks of meeting Brad,  he blew up in two huge temper tantrums as she unwittingly made remarks upsetting to him.  She noticed the anger and the following silent treatment, and decided at the time she could handle it, as she was able to reason him through the blow up.  She was unsettled, but confident that the matter could be solved if she would tell him how upsetting his behavior was to her.  Soon, however,   she started avoiding discussing topics that would ‘set him off’ no matter how important the matter was  to her.  She built up resentment over time as she felt she had to put up with anger out of proportion, while being ‘punished’ by him with his silences, if she, in turn, was to express angry feelings.  Meanwhile Brad’s rages became cyclical and habitual over their 10-year marriage, and grew in intensity.  Mary left Brad after one of his tempers resulted in her being physically injured.

A honeymoon period lasts generally between three months and a year after meeting your mate.  Then reality settles in, as partners get back into their old habits, the ones that were habitual to them prior to your encounter and courtship.  Later on, a point balance is reached, where one learns to live with their partner’s behavior… or does not.

When you reach that stage, it is normal to ask yourself  “should I stay in the relationship?”  As you explore the reasons for asking yourself this question in the first place you may then consider the material and emotional implications of leaving or staying.  It might be a good idea to grab a notepad, and list the benefits and consequences of staying or leaving.  This may cover: reasons for unease, whether recoverable or not, characteristics of your mate, areas of discomfort, upsetting and satisfying personality traits, etc, down to material aspects such as the cost of living alone,  division of assets, burden of rebuilding a new life,  living and coping as single parent, etc.

This sounds rather clinical; yet taking stock may also help you realize how much you value your partner!

These are questions to ask yourself as you contemplate what to do.

Ask:

1. “Have I ever been happy in this relationship?”

If the answer is a definite “No,” or if the answer turns to “No” right from after a ‘honeymoon period’ of romantic love and chemical highs, then, it cannot be fixed, as it never worked in the first place.  If the answer is “Yes, sometimes,” or “Yes, mostly”, you may want to explore the current source of your disappointment, and decide whether to work on the relationship or not.

2. “It felt right when we met, now it doesn’t.  Is it reason to leave?”

Life is dynamic.  Your partner may experience issues.  Your life situations have evolved or changed.  Explore your answers to the next questions to help you determine whether you are holding on to a sinking ship or are too ready to jump ship when repairs are possible.

3. “Is s/he as willing as I am to initiate some changes in this relationship and work with me at solving some of our issues?” and “I bring the same issue time and time again, but s/he does not appear to take it seriously.”

If your partner is not willing to work at your relationship, it will not work.

4. “Am I invested in making this relationship work?”  ”Are we communicating on day to day issues?”, “Are my needs met, as I fulfill his/her needs?”

If answers are “No”, the relationship is already over.  Having a partner who does not communicate their needs, or expects you to guess them, being unable to communicate your need, or not getting what you need,  means the relationship is dead.  Why prolong it?

5. “Am I ready to leave this relationship?”

Sometimes we are, so the outcome is easy.  Sometimes we need to look at things from all angles, and the process can take weeks if not months.  That’s ok.  One day, all things considered, the decision will tilt to be a definite yes or no.  Be gentle.  Talking to trusted others or to professionals might help you develop clarity.

6. “Does my partner want out but fails to communicate this clearly to me?”

This is a blessing: if you consider leaving, the job is half done.  No uncommitted person can become a loving reliable partner.

7. “Should I stay because of the kids?”

The answer is a definite “NO”.  Studies show that children are very distressed in a bad relationship, possibly more so than children of divorced parents.  This depends naturally on how difficult or dysfunctional your relationship is.

8. “My partner behaved badly.”  ”Did s/he commit to end the offending behavior and admit to it, or instead justify their actions and criticize and blame me for it?”  “Does s/he make efforts to heal the pain, or is s/he not showing honesty nor empathy, and does not attempt to engage in a mutual recovery process?”

If answers are “No”, and your partner comes up with statements such as “you made me do it,” to justify their behavior, seriously consider leaving.  If s/he does not come clean, or at least attempt to do something about the situation, things will get worse.

9.”My partner behaved so badly, could anyone in my position forgive him/her?”

If the answer is “No”, it is unlikely you would be able to forgive if any one else could not.  You are only human.  Examples of deep betrayal may be:  partner maintains a secret family; engages in sexual activities that put you at risk; engages in illicit activities that may be dangerous to you and family; s/he injures you, threatens you, or blackmails you.

10. “Do I still respect my partner?”  “Does s/he respect me?”

If the answer is “No”, s/he simply cannot be a partner.  If you feel dismissed, rejected or condescended to, this is toxic, as all discussions are either attacking or defending.

11. “Is s/he unfaithful and blames it on me?”

If s/he justifies their philandering for your being “too jealous” (etc.), this is not acceptable.

12.  “Is s/he physically or emotionally or mentally abusive?”

Get out quickly.  If your dependence is so great that you feel you cannot, build yourself up with professional help.  Take time to plan what you need to do.  Patterns of abuse are learned in both family of origin and environment, and they reflect your partner’s set of beliefs and values.  These are difficult to change.  If your partner is committed to change a behavior that is acceptable to them but is unacceptable to you, then you may be able to get back together.  Meanwhile walk out and separate until their own repair work is well under way.

13. “As well as engaging in various forms of abuse, is s/he personality disordered?”

Things may definitely get worse and escalate eventually to become physical abuse.  Things may not get better.  Cut loose as soon as you feel ready to do so, if you feel that your partner is not willing to seek help.

Whether you decide in the end to stay or to leave, expect … many difficult moments!

If you opt to stay, healing a relationship and changing relational patterns are a slow and uncertain process.  It involves trials and errors, and a lot of commitment, from both parties, to change.  It is possible though, and chances are that you and partner will end up fully and strongly committed to each other.  To achieve this, you need confront several issues, such as trust, blame, reliability, depth of commitment, your role in allowing or accepting the evolution of the current situation, and many more.  Though arduous, it can be a journey full of discovery and growth in companionship with mutual respect and trust.

If you opt to leave, things may immediately get better for a while, as you first experience relief from daily vexations.  Then, you will have to deal with the emotional, social, and economic consequences of separation, together with learning to live as a single person again.  There are complications.  Our love may become an adversary; legalities may be involved; you may need to wean yourself from the addiction of drama, the need for a close and comforting, habitual physical presence, the loss of friends who feel they must side against you, the end of a way of life; and facing the unknown, wondering if there will be another relationship, and support along the way, wondering about your ability to make it on your own.

What to do?  Stay or leave?  Both paths are difficult.  The consolation is: time is a great leveler.  Nothing is forever.  As the pain of working out issues in staying or leaving is felt, know that it will pass, and that, in that process, you will learn and grow, and become more aware of what works or does not work for you.  If you do the work, you might go back to your now ex-partner and re-grow the relationship on stronger footings, or simply move on and be more knowledgeable about the characteristics you desire in a future partner.

Pathological Defense Mechanisms

Denial is a primitive mechanism that is part of very early childhood development. Denial is the refusal to accept reality or a particular fact because it is too threatening. In the face of the evidence, we fight by minimizing the issue. To give an example, in a case of physical violence, the victim insists ‘it wasn’t that bad’. Denial can mean flatly rejecting reality. This happens through suppression, repression or blocking.

There are however some situations where denial is adaptive and not pathological. For example, it might be adaptive for a person who is dying to have some denial.

Distortion involves grossly reshaping external reality to meet internal needs, such as by falsifying your memories of a situation,  to make it more acceptable or so that in your mind you become the victim rather than the culprit.

Delusional or paranoid projection involves full-blown delusions about external reality–– usually including a feeling of persecution. This causes the sufferer to become isolated from reality and create an imaginary alternative world.

Regression is reverting to an earlier stage of development in the face of unacceptable impulses. For an example an older child who is overwhelmed with fear, anger and growing sexual impulses might become clinging and begin thumb-sucking.

Splitting (also known as black and white thinking).  This means thinking in absolutes, with no middle ground, such as making judgments about a person’s character on the basis of a single event. Black and white thinking is a narcissist’s main defense mechanism.

Devaluation is viewing an object or person as having exaggerated negative qualities, being flawed.  It relates to black and white thinking.

Idealisation. The other face of the black and white thinking coin. It consists in rendering  someone or something perfect and ideal.

Immature Defense Mechanisms

Fantasy is a tendency to resolve conflicts or escape real problems by retreating from reality and living through television, daydreams, the Internet, imagination, etc. This kind of defense can be beneficial if we use our fantasies to rehearse or prepare for future success or if we fantasise about future events. Constructive fantasy might involve thinking about and imagining tomorrow’s presentation at work, or relaxing during a stressful moment by thinking about upcoming holidays. Many self-help and Cognitive Behavioural therapy methods are based on fantasy, such as rehearsal, sensitization/desensitization to a future event, empathy, etc. When applied with a goal in mind, fantasy is a mature defense mechanism.

However, fantasy can also become a problem. If you begin imagining the worst possible consequences to an event, this can lead to fear or reliving a bad situation, which in turn may lead to anger and depression.

By helping us avoid condemnation and criticism, fantasizing images of success can protect our self-esteem when we fail to meet social or other expectations.   But merely imagining solutions to problems is not actually solving them! Action must follow. When a person starts to live in the world of fantasy she or he has created instead of facing the real world and real challenges, at that point fantasy has become a pathological defense mechanism.

Projection means attributing to someone else thoughts and feelings that are actually our own but that we don’t want to admit to or that we feel are unacceptable. We are projecting parts of ourselves onto someone else. This is what happens when an angry spouse accuses his or her partner of hostility. Projection is the abuser’s choice of defense mechanisms when about to abuse (“s/he is jealous, it’s his/her fault) and after the abuse has taken place (“s/he made me do it”).

This defense mechanism includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hypervigilance to external danger, blaming and “injustice collecting”.

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” (Nietzsche)

Projecting our negative emotions reduces anxiety because the emotion is released and expressed, without us having to actually recognize the emotion as part of ourselves.

Hypochondria is another immature defense mechanism that can occur when we take negative feelings we have about others and turn them into negative feelings about ourselves—going so far as to develop actual physical symptoms such as pain, illness and anxiety.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is the expression of aggression we feel towards others through indirect or passive behaviours, rather than through overt, direct hostility.

Acting-out behaviour is the direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse to avoid being conscious of the emotion that accompanies it.

Neurotic Defense Mechanisms

Intellectualization involves separating our emotions from ideas, thinking about wishes in formal, affectively neutral terms and not acting on them, distancing, and attempting to suppress or master our emotional stress. For example, instead of dealing with the fear and sadness that naturally arises when someone is told of a life-threatening illness, some people will hide behind big words and a clinical analysis of the event, say by focusing on statistical odds of recovery.

Rationalization consists of consciously reframing our perceptions in the face of changing realities in order to protect ourselves against internal guilt or to find a logical justification for a decision that was actually arrived at through a different thought process. For example, the promotion wished for and didn’t get becomes “well, I didn’t want the position anyway”.

Rationalization can be constructive—for instance when someone sees the “silver lining” in an apparently negative event, or assumes that everything happens for the best and tries to find the blessing in disguise: “So, I didn’t get into med school, but now I can really focus on finding my true vocation.” Rationalization is an after-the-fact defense mechanism connected to the self-serving purpose: failure is ascribed to outside factors, whereas success comes from oneself.

Repression blocks unacceptable feelings from rising to awareness. It is a similar to suppression, and can take form of  memory lapses, or a lack of awareness of one’s physical or mental status. There is a conscious emotion, but the idea behind it is repressed or absent.

Whatever we are trying to push away into the subconscious is not lost. The subconscious tends to empower it, and the more one tries to repress something, the more powerful it becomes.

Eventually the repressed feeling will start to manifest itself in actions, often in ways that may not be clear  to the person repressing it, but that are noticed by others.

Suppression. Unlike repression, which is unconscious, suppression is a conscious process, a choice not to think about something. Repression can often be detrimental and manifests itself through a symptom. A repressed sexual desire, for example, might re-surface in the form of a nervous cough. The individual is not conscious of the desire and cannot express it aloud, but the body still articulates the desire through symptoms. Traumatic events are said to be “repressed,” yet it seems that they are remembered in a distorted manner and can express themselves through physical ills.

Suppression generally deals with thoughts and actions that are unpleasant but not totally despicable. Suppression can therefore be managed and generally yields more positive results than repression. Sometimes it is even useful and rational to focus on one thing at a time, suppressing other problems until that one is solved. Counting to ten before doing anything when you are angry is an example of a form of suppression that can be useful and constructive in everyday life.

Withdrawal is a strategy where you remove yourself from things that remind you of painful or stressful thoughts and emotions. Because we can’t avoid daily reminders of an event, as we talk with friends, watch TV, perform some activity, etc, the regular use of withdrawal can mean the end of social life. Unless it is acknowledged and used consciously for only a limited period, withdrawal can be one the most severe defense mechanisms, leading to or exacerbating feelings of alienation and loneliness.

Reaction Formation occurs when a behaviour perceived as dangerous is converted to the opposite of what one really wants or feels­­––for example, taking care of someone when what you really wants is for someone to take care of you; or nurturing a child when your first impulse is to scold. Basically the unwanted behaviour creates anxiety, so choosing a reverse form of behaviour appears safe. If what you really feel is hate––which is morally objectionable, you turn it into love––which is agreeable and sanctioned.

This strategy of reaction is effective in the short term but it eventually breaks down, because you lose the ability to perceive your feelings accurately.

Displacement Is about separating a strong emotion from its real object and redirecting it toward someone or something that is safer or more acceptable in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For instance, instead of hating your father for divorcing your mother and “abandoning” you, you displace that emotion into hating your stepmother, being angry at the boss, kicking the dog, or yelling at your spouse.

Most often, we take out our frustrations on the people we love. Sometimes displacement results in suicide or depression, when frustrations are redirected towards oneself.

Compartmentalisation involved modifying or separating parts of your self from being aware of other parts of your self and adopting a temporary and drastic modification of your character to avoid emotional distress. This occurs when an honest person cheats on their tax return or rides a train without ticket.

Dissociation usually stems from a trauma, intense pain, or a serious identity crisis. It may manifest itself in disorders such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, memory loss, Multiple Personality Disorder, Dissociative Amnesia, as well as the more common phenomena of flashbacks. Dissociated memories become partial and distorted. It is as if under intense stress the ability of the consciousness to include all the thoughts and emotions fails, and some are lost. In this case, a person may remember what happened, but forget how it felt.

Everyday life disassociation involves assumptions about things and people. In this case, people tend to discard some parts of reality that contradict their beliefs.

Healthy Defense Mechanisms

Fortunately, there are also mature defense mechanisms that are common in ‘healthy’ people. Many of them in fact originate in “immature” and childhood behaviours, but have been honed over time to optimize success in life and relationships. Using these defenses gives us a sense of pleasure and feelings of mastery in our life. They can help us integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts and still be effective. Other people are likely to see us as good or virtuous when we use these strategies. Examples of Healthy Defense Mechanisms include:

Sublimation or channelling our unacceptable impulses into more acceptable outlets. This strategy transforms negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behaviour, or emotions––whether through art, sports, hobbies, charity and volunteer work, or even one’s profession. Sublimation is one of the most successful and productive defense mechanisms available. It is a beneficial form of displacement.

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Altruism involves constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction

Compensation comes into play when we psychologically counterbalance weaknesses in one area by drawing on strengths in other areas, when we strive for excellence in areas where we are weak, or when we recognize a weakness in one area, but try to excel in another. These are all healthy ways to handle the anxiety of feeling inferior or inadequate. There are, however, unhealthy ways to compensate, such as a person feeling unloved becoming promiscuous, substituting quantity for quality.

Suppression, which we discussed earlier, is the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; able to later access the emotion and accept it.

Anticipation involves realistic planning for future discomfort.

Humor uses the open expression of ideas and feelings––especially ones that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about––in ways that give pleasure to others. Humor lets you call a spade a spade. However, humor is not the same as wit, which is more likely to be a form of displacement. The use of caustic and demeaning humour and sarcasm is a form a disguised criticism and can be very hurtful to others.

Identification, involves identifying with someone else, adopting their personality and character, in order to solve some emotional difficulty and avoid anxiety.

Undoing Is based on the notion that it is possible to make amends, to correct mistakes we have made, and to take back behaviour and thoughts that are unacceptable. In essence, it involves feeling guilty and trying to do something to undo the harm that may have been inflicted: we are trying to reverse or undo a feeling by acting in an opposite or compensatory manner. The simplest example of this is an apology. A negative form of undoing would be to praise someone excessively after having insulted them.

With DMs, we can protect and distance ourselves from anxiety and various emotions or impulses that could overwhelm us as we strive to keep our self-image intact.

 DMs help us block out or minimise our emotional reactions in situations where we can’t let these feeling run the show––for instance during interpersonal conflicts in business or home situations, or when we are experiencing inner conflicts but need or want to avoid awareness of them. For examples, think of the following types of situations:

•  You are caught in a house fire, and need to find the exit route quickly. Fear, panic, hopelessness and other feelings must be delayed.
• You had a heated argument with someone, and feel betrayal, anger, guilt, and embarrassment.
• You feel sexual or aggressive impulses and tensions that are not appropriate to the situation at hand, such as an urge to lash out at your loved ones in social settings or to lavish attention on that hot sexy person in a bar.

You may feel anxiety at any point in these events––one of the first signs of the onset of a defensive reaction. Anxiety is a natural biological response designed for our survival. Felt as an increase in bodily or mental tension, it signals us to start taking defensive action towards a perceived danger, whether it’s a conflict, a physical threat, or even an internal thought of guilt, etc. This tension warns that an instinctual reaction is to be expected….. now! What we do then is put the sum of all feelings and impulse at the back of our mind temporarily.

Sooner or later, your mind will return to the reality of the event and your feelings about it, so that you can face and review the situation consciously and clearly. You may feel pain as the thoughts and feelings are let out. But the delay your mind has given you, whether minutes, days, or weeks, allows you time to draw on some resources and healthy ways to handle the origin of the pain and let it go. Once released, it is like a clock reset, so to speak.

Sometimes, however, we refuse this temporary measure and instead bury the pain deep into our minds, until its origin is lost. We use those same DMs not as temporary remedies but as psychological painkillers that treat or mask the symptoms of emotional and psychological pain over the long term. In such cases, these defenses become automatic; while they were meant to alleviate pain temporarily, they instead become a  substitute for addressing the cause of the original pain, and similar pains that come afterwards. They disrupt our ability to recognize our real feelings and thoughts. This latter type of response is dysfunctional.

 If our DMs separate us from our true feelings and from reality for very long, they essentially become lies. These lies create more problems down the line through maladaptive coping behaviours, while the original pain will still scream to be let out, compounding problems. This is when defense mechanisms become pathological.

Let’s look at various ways of coping and how DMs are distinguished along a continuum ranging from healthy to pathological.

There are two ways to cope with danger, whether it’s external or internal danger:

• Avoiding the danger reduces stress. Avoiding, repressing, withdrawing, denying, looking away, escaping from the situation, or letting someone else take the blame are all useful means when a situation is out of your control. However, using DMs this way also leads to a lack of awareness and understanding.
• Approaching what threatens you increases the chances for coping with an event. Approaching, learning more, and taking charge are best applied when something can be done about the problem. This method permits more stress and worry than choosing avoidance, but it also promotes awareness and maturity––otherwise known as ‘growth.’

 Defence mechanisms support both of these ways of coping. Some of them are healthier than others:

• Pathological. A DM becomes pathological when it is used in a rigid, inflexible, and exclusive manner. These kinds of defenses can lead to mental illness. They are common in overt psychosis, in dreams, and during childhood. They allow a person to rearrange external reality so that they don’t have to cope with a real threat and/or it prevents a person from perceiving reality. For the observer, the users of these mechanisms may appear crazy or insane.  

The motivation for using the defense comes more from past needs than present or future reality. Because the defense severely distorts the present situation, it distorts your real emotions and feelings, instead of rechanneling them effectively. This leads to significant problems in relationships, functioning, and enjoyment of life.Too much unconscious activity causes the use of too many defenses in handling a situation or, too few defences are employed in coping with threats.

Pathological defence mechanisms may include: distortions, delusional and paranoid projections, regression and denial.

•  Immature. The immature defenses are used in childhood and adolescence and usually abandoned by adulthood. They can lead to socially unacceptable behaviour and also prevent the adult from learning optimal ways of coping with reality. While are common in adolescents, these methods are sometimes seen in adults who suffer from severe depression and personality disorders. The immature user alters the distress and anxiety caused by reality or by other people. People who act this way are often seen by others as socially undesirable, immature, difficult and out of touch. Defences considered “immature” almost always lead to serious problems in a person’s ability to cope with the world.

Immature defence mechanisms may include: fantasy, projections, passive-aggressive and acting out behaviours, and hypochondriasis.

•  Neurotic. Almost everyone has some kinds of neurotic coping mechanisms.  They are fairly common in adults and they can have short-term advantages, but they often cause long-term problems in relationships, work, and enjoyment of life for people who primarily use them as their basic style of coping with the world.

Neurotic defence mechanisms may include: intellectualisation, rationalisation, repression, suppression, withdrawal, reaction formation, displacement, compartmentalisation, and dissociation.

• Mature. These are the mechanisms used by “healthy” adults. They increase our ability to have normal relationships and enjoy our work and lives. These responses are adaptive. Although many of them have their origins in the “immature” level, they have been honed by the individual to optimize his/her success in life and relationships. Use of these defenses gives the user pleasure and feelings of mastery. These defenses enable us to integrate many conflicting emotions and thoughts and still be effective. For the beholder, using these mature coping methods is viewed as a virtue.  

Mature defence mechanisms may include: sublimation, fantasy, altruism, compensation, suppression,  anticipation, humour, identification and undoing.

The use of the immature defenses is related to poor adjustment as an adult, marital discord and higher divorce rates, poor friendship patterns, a higher incidence of mental illness, a greater number of sick leave days taken, and poorer health generally.

 On the other hand, research shows that people who rely on mature defenses tend to experience excellent adjustment as adults, higher self-reported levels of happiness, more  satisfaction, rich friendships, a lower incidence of mental illness and better overall health…leading to fewer hospitalizations over the course of their lives.

 It is useful to become aware of the defense mechanisms we use and how they compare with others. If you identify your patterns as immature or neurotic, there is work you can do to develop mature mechanisms instead.

 Next week’s blog: definition and hierarchy of Defense Mechanisms …

These are the little troublemakers that constantly frustrate our efforts to change our habits, get on with a project, or achieve a goal or an intention. They use subtle, creative and varied methods to get in our way, bring down our best laid out plans and gobble up our good resolutions. But here are ways to deal with them!

“saboteur: inner resistance that we must overcome every time we want to change our lives”

Have you ever started a sports routine and ended up back on the sofa after a few days or weeks of effort to stick to the schedule? Started a diet and then treated yourself to a huge restaurant meal to celebrate having shed a few pounds? Decided on a set of New Year’s resolutions, carried them out maybe a month or two, only to forget them all by March of the same year? Delayed making important decisions about your career, relationship or moving house?

For most of us, the sabotage happens repeatedly in specific areas of our lives. Our saboteurs have a personal profile, and they are very active in matters of health, action and decision making.

Here are some of the areas they love to work in:

• nutritional choices
• exercise
• time planning
• completing projects
• learning new subjects
• keeping a tidy home,
• making important decisions
• being in contact with others
• having the courage of your convictions and standing up for them
• engaging in cultural activities
• taking stock and time for contemplation

and generally…any situation that calls for us to use our will power or confront danger!

Saboteurs have a whole bagful of tricks and tactics. They operate without our even noticing, so we don’t realise that we are unconsciously delaying or forgetting to do things.

One tell-tale of sabotage is when you find yourself coming up with all kinds of excuses to talk yourself out of doing something, the favourite formula being…. “yes, but….” If you listen to your inner dialog, you may hear some of these excuses and tactics that undermine your commitment to act: “it can’t be done” or “it’s too difficult” or “I can’t do that”–or the all time favourite–“I just don’t have the time”.

Another common sabotage tactic is using the call of moral duty and false consideration for others to absolve ourselves from responsibility to act: “people don’t do that sort of things”; “what will they think?”, “I can’t do that to her”.

The next tactic is using conditional tense when formulating a resolution, because there’s no danger of immediate action in sight! That’s when we use the words “should”: “I really should get going” or “I can’t do it yet, first I have to…..”

Of course, that’s not the whole bag of tricks! There many other tactics, such as:

• Playing things down––“It’s not really that important”
• Not taking responsibility––“that’s not my job”, “it has nothing to do with me.”
• Playing things safe––“what if it doesn’t turn out the way I expect?”
• Taking it easy––“Let’s call for a pizza instead of cooking” or “I guess I’ll drive rather than bike this time.”
• Watering your goal down ––“I’ll give it a try…”
• Formulating your goals too vaguely in a non quantifiable way––“I want more money, less stress.”
• Setting up herculean plans by taking on too much or not planning at all––“I don’t know where to begin!”
• Using diversion tactics–– “I’m not in the mood now.”
• Making exceptions––“Having that creamy cake just once won’t hurt my diet.”
• Abandoning your goal––“It’s not worth it, it takes too much effort.
• Sideways glancing––“If he doesn’t need to do it, I don’t either.”
• Playing the victim––“I can’t help it!”…and finally
• Playing the loser––“What’s the point, I can’t seem to do anything right!”

Reading this list, which saboteurs do you recognise as your own favourite tricks when you are faced with decisions and need to act on or stick to a commitment?

Fortunately, there are many ways to deal with our saboteurs and tame them. We can train them, but first we need understand a few things about them. We can’t run away from them or drive them away. We can’t keep them locked up forever, with the firm iron of self-discipline. But we also can’t give up all resistance and let them take over either. Ultimately, we need learn to live with them and tame them to become our best friends.

Our saboteurs are part of our personality structure, and the more pressure we apply to getting rid of them, the more resistance we will meet and the more we’ll have to deal with them. Battling against a part of your personality is battling against yourself. But while we all have certain saboteurs, they are not the whole of who we are. We may need to allow them their place––but not let them rule.

Steps we can take are to make these internal saboteurs our friends are:

• Letting them win from time to time
• Reviewing the way you choose your language, changing “ I have to go to work” to “I am going to work” or instead of saying “I don’t have the time” practice saying “ I don’t want to do that” or “I’d rather do something else”
• Learning ways to self motivate that are neither applying the stick nor giving a carrot. Yes, it is possible to move away from pressure and reward; try using cost and benefit analysis instead!
• Matching an action’s challenges to your current ability to meet them by setting the bar not too high nor too low
• Deciding on it, planning it and then doing it, in a measurable, realistic way
• Practicing with small tasks and then moving on to bigger tasks progressively, to anchor new behaviours and habits

If you want to know more about how to identify your saboteurs, befriend and rally them to your causes, a course of CBT or NLP coaching can be very helpful; these techniques will foster changes in your saboteurs and help you anchor new useful habits for the very long term.

Why not contact me for an obligation-free 30- to 45-minute assessment?

We crave the fantasy of enduring romantic ecstasy. Many of us live for our wedding day––“the most important day of our lives”. We say to our mates: “you complete me”…or at least you ought to!

There is such a thing as love, and there are beautiful moments. But love is about life, and life is not about isolated moments but rather the long haul.

The romantic myth can be traced to the onset of the Industrial Revolution. Before that, there was no expectation of division of labour within the family unit. In modern times, however, a family structure and ideal evolved with the man assigned the role of breadwinner, while the woman is responsible for providing emotional and practical support. The female role in this model revolves entirely around managing and delivering family support.

An image of male/female interaction was born. The man fights and works, and in return an appreciative, saintly wife takes care of his needs––a whore in the bedroom, a kitten other times, a dedicated mother and homemaker––and looks oh so good on his arm in public. The fantasy is of boundless, joyful female compliance, where she is so totally in sync with his needs that “the things which give him pleasure, also happen to drive her wild as well”.

As Terrence Real puts it, “The sexual mother image of abundant Goddesses such a Mae West is emotional pornography.”  The man dreams of receiving perfect nurturance and limitless giving from his woman, while she sees him as the perfect lover and husband––her Prince Charming.

Many men are raised to believe that a good woman…a real woman… is happy to take care of her breadwinning guy. This service gives her so much pleasure that she needs and demands nothing in return. Men have been taught to expect that once they’ve fought and worked to get the girl of their dreams, they will be gratified by their trophy ever after.

But of course over time, in real life and real relationships, this fantasy simply doesn’t work.

The media rarely celebrates the image of a woman who puts her job first, criticizes her lover, is assertive with him, and tells him she wants something different from him. Our popular relationship mythology does not include the realities of argument, conflict, vigorous negotiations of differences, and loneliness at times.

Real relationships are not just romantic. Real relationships include the acknowledgment of pain and the ability and willingness to hear out the other’s feelings, including their insecurities and worries. Real relationships do involve expectations of some devotion and attention––but not all flowing in one direction. Real relationships today involve an expectation of MUTUALITY.

As women now redefine gender roles through their work outside the home, their economic freedom and different expectations, newer generations are rejecting the model they inherited from their mothers, where women are barred from confrontation. Women do not want to be their partner’s ‘manager’. They don’t want to use their mothers’ tools for managing the men: being indirect, manipulative, alternatively silent and passive or screaming and resentful. They are unwilling to accept being ignored, punished, and wounded if they dare to speak out within the couple/family unit.

More often that not, although it is the man who needs to acquire skills, it is the woman who does the brunt of the work, since common wisdom says that women are the emotional extroverts. Men are of course just as emotionally capable (and vulnerable) as women, but acknowledging this is very difficult for many of them.

The best first step a woman can take is to learn to express herself assertively and state her needs. In many male/female relationships, this will upset the balance and call for a review of the status quo. There is a 50/50 chance this approach will work. These odds may seem discouraging, but they are far more attractive than the 80/20 chance of separation that results from the frustrated resignation of both men and women to the current status quo.

Note: this post borrows heavily from Terrence Real (1997) and words extracted verbatim from his book are when possible distinguished by quotes.

BOOK reference:
Real, Terrence, 1997: “I don’t want to talk about it: overcoming the secret legacy of male depression”, Scribner Paperback, Simon & Schuster, New York (pp 304-311)

“What doesn’t kill you makes your stronger” said Nietzsche. In other words, each time we experience a stressful event and  we successfully go back to a state of balance , our tolerance, or resilience threshold,  shifts  upward, toward  strength and increased ability to cope with difficult events in the future.

It also means that we develop our ability to handle greater complexity: what seemed insurmountable yesterday was lived through, and hence an experience will become more manageable, though still painful, tomorrow. We’ve learned something from the experience, from its context and intensity, and we’ve shown ability to adapt, learn and grow.

Resilience is dynamic, and built over time; it is not something we are born with. It defines our ability to  positively adapt to  and recover from circumstances   such as deprivation, trauma, loss, threats, illness, accidents, and so on. It allows us to show and build life skills competences.

Some of us get caught in a loop and experience delays in adapting to and growing out of a crisis.  For instance, if a negative circumstance is far too overwhelming for our current capabilities, psychological distress involving grief,  fear, rage, frustration and other emotions,  or mental injury, can occur.  This results in symptoms such as victimization, overwhelm, fatigue, substance abuse, and mental health problems in the form of depression, post traumatic disorders, phobias, anxieties, obsessive-compulsive disorders, etc.

This in turn marks the difference between survivors, who grow out of challenges and transform a situation into one of personal growth and development,   and persons who sustain mental injury and may take longer, to adapt and grow out of their challenge.

Everyone has a different threshold of resilience overall, and resilience levels differ in any one person according to the type of crisis they meet. This in lay terms distinguishes between who is ‘weak’ and who is ‘strong’ and how a person is very ‘strong’ in one situation and ‘weak’ in another.

Since we all react differently to an identical trauma, these words do not account for the severity of circumstances a person must live through. While all of us will experience the loss of a loved one at least once in our life, not all of us experience accidents, tragedies, abuse, natural disasters or war.  Our age too makes a difference. 2/3 of children who  sustain trauma in early childhood may  have all kinds of issues later in life such as social maladjustment and violence* , while an adult may suffer from depression only or simply rebound quickly.

Resilience is also affected by our moods and our physical health at the time of the crisis, and by the length of exposure to the event.

Finally, resilience is not about ‘toughening up’, ‘bearing it like a man’, or ‘chin up, stiff lips’. It requires acknowledging feelings, grief, anger, pain, and  allowing those to be ‘felt’ as opposed to boxed in and ignored or controlled.

Building up/recovering your natural resilience

Your personality traits and your environment are major factors in your ability to deal with stressful situations. This makes it important for you to know what situations you can easily cope with, and the ones you have problems handling.

Support groups, associations of psychologists and other bodies all recommend the following:

Commit to recovery from the situation and make it your priority for a while. Implement  the following, in any order:

• Delay making life decisions (change of job or  residence, separation or marriage etc, until you feel your emotional stability has returned, whether this takes days, weeks or months after the event)
• Spend time developing, improving, maintaining relationship with partner, kids, family members, friends and other acquaintances. The closer and more meaningful your relationships are, the better your ability to cope when distressed or stressed.
• Talk about your feelings with people who are close to you. Let some steam off in safe settings. Vent it out, in safety. You may find that people around you have lived similar circumstances and they can guide you and support you as they share your burden.
• Gain understanding, seek knowledge about the situation. This helps you view the crisis not as an unbearable problem, but as a situation you can act upon decisively, because you know the facts.  It also helps reduce fear, which tends to exaggerate as stress levels rise.
• Accept that circumstances sometimes can’t be changed; in this case, walk out of the situation if you can, or develop your other coping skills if you can’t.
• As you come out and recover from the event, develop a set of recovery goals (e.g., spending time with close friends) and carry them out, slowly. Delay making big decisions.
• Improve your physical health, with nutritional choices, physical exercise, relaxation, and enough sleep. These steps will ease the stress you are under.
• Implement a daily routine and stick to it – show the world that you are stating that life goes on as usual, regardless of whatever scare comes your way.
• Develop a hobby, an interest which can absorb you, something you enjoy doing.
• Help others, volunteer to help.  Being a support to others is documented to increase ability to cope with difficulties. It makes you feel more capable.
• Look at learning from the past, review how you handled the events, as this becomes an opportunity for self discovery and acceptance, and will help you develop confidence in your ability to handle future events.
• Keep a long-term perspective on the events; see them in the broader context of your life, and life span.
• Cultivate hopefulness and optimism. Visualize what positive outcome you expect further down the line. As the saying goes, ‘there’s light at the end of the tunnel’
• Wonder what the meaning of your life is, in this situation and in your future.
• Call for professional assistance, medical doctors for medication, and therapists for counselling and psychological support, pastoral counsel for spiritual support.

An excellent book is “Man’s Search for Meaning “by Viktor Frankl, the father of Logotherapy. Various printed and online resources are available on topics such as trauma, PTSD, depression, OCD, etc, with coping tips and strategies.

 *see online references on the work of Emmy E. Werner, Developmental Psychologist

And before that next holiday break, there’s a lot to do. As we return to the demands of our work lives, we may be taking on new projects and reopening tasks left pending prior to our holidays. For some of us, a good rest or stimulating vacation may be encouraging us to seek new directions in our personal lives. We may also encounter unexpected situations that add to our loads. It can be daunting to watch your schedule filling up so rapidly and wonder––“am I up to this?” “Can I handle it?”

If you are finding yourself somewhat vulnerable and overwhelmed at the moment, I have some practical ideas that can give your confidence a boost.

We all encounter situations where we think we may not be able to rise up to that particular challenge or that we lack the resources to meet it successfully. Uncertainty, insecurity and anxiety creep in as we question our ability or preparedness to handle the event.

If you find this happening, cast your mind back to the past. Have you been in situations such as:

• A presentation to important clients?
• Meeting your girl- or boy-friend’s parents for the first time and wondering if they will approve of you?
• Starting a new job and being asked to complete a task you’ve never handled before?
• Taking your first driving lesson?
• Being interviewed?
• Taking a test and wondering if you’ll remember your study material or if you will fail?

Track back to those memories and identify the situations where you felt no confidence in yourself.

Now, think about times when you felt confident about what you were doing. All of us have situations, areas and activities where we are very capable, as well as those where we’re not.

Looking back at all these past experiences, write them down as your remember them. Ask yourself:

What were my thoughts at that moment? My feelings? My physical responses? Write these down too and compare your responses.

Lack of confidence is first expressed in the mind as a thought such as “I won’t be able to meet this.” That thought becomes a feeling––“I’m anxious about this.” And finally these emotions express themselves externally in your body language––your posture, facial expressions, voice pitch, actions such as distancing, hesitant speech, etc. As these external cues are picked up by the people around you, you are likely to feel even worse and give off even stronger visible signals of no confidence.

Returning to a state of confidence involves three things:

• learning to change your body responses
• learning to stop the thought becoming a feeling
• learning to break the association between thought and feeling

Next, complete the following statements for each of the situations you have identified as ones of low confidence. Be as detailed as you can:

• If I were more confident about …… I would………………………………….
• If I were more confident about ……, I wouldn’t …………………………….
• What I want in [situation], is ………………………………………………………

For example:

“If I were more confident about my social skills, I would engage in conversation easily with people. I wouldn’t avoid new people. I want to confidently engage and approach strangers and start a conversation with them.”

Now, think of the behaviour of a confident person: What is their posture like? Their tone of voice? Their breathing? Do they smile? Jot down your answers, or visualise in your mind all the details of the external appearance of a confident person. This person is you. Once again, be detailed!

Take 1 to 3 of the attributes just listed and for the next couple of days, practice them! If you selected “make eye contact and smile,” why not do so yourself with people you meet at work and don’t know well or in the street with perfect strangers?

The key is: practice! Do so consciously for 2 to 3 days. Then choose another 2 or 3 items in your list, and practice again.

There is more to this process, and you can build your confidence skill over time. For a few more confidence-building practices, look for Part Two of this article next week on wwww.pascalealine.com

Does this mean perversion, or simply exploring one’s sexuality and spicing up one sex play, making use of this amazingly versatile instruments of sensuality, our bodies and minds?

This section of my blog, under this post, will slowly grow to incorporate body of knowledge for persons who wish to explore this part of their life further.

Whether you are at an exploratory stage only, or now fully browsing sites such as alt.com or fetlife.com, or even engaged in the ‘scene’, this column will discuss safety issues, at the emotional level and risks intrinsic to this type of play.