Break ups – the good ones and the bad ones

The ideal break up scenarios:

Both partners want out. They talk about it, especially about what went wrong and what is not working and how separating is the best alternative for both. This gives them time to plan the separation and prepare for it.  They part on as amicable terms as they can. Does this sounds like a stretch? No. It  is possible. It is normal. It brings closure and freedom to move on

One partner wants out. S/he raises the awareness of the other partner on what is wrong or not working,  progressively  removing and detaching themselves until they both can talk about it, and agree on separation as rationally as they can. It is totally withing reach, though, difficult on the detaching partner who must have  the patience and gentleness of letting go.  Possible, and normal, and very kind. It also brings closure and freedom to move on.

Scenario of a bad break up, including one or all of the following:

– the break up occurs by mail or phone, not face to face.

– one partner leaves abruptly, packs bags, throws keys, no closing reason. The separation is sudden.

– the break up is the consequence of an anger bout, such as an argument that is not closed but left open, without explanation as to what went wrong.

– nothing is said of what went wrong, and what wasn’t working. No reason is given for the break up, as the partner wanting out cannot cope with expressing the honest statement ” I want out, because……” and instead finds ways to set up his/her partner to be at fault, hence justifying the break up. This involves accusations and blame, whether real or not. This method is  very traumatic for both parties and unfortunately very common.

The consequences of a bad break up:

– both ex partners cannot get closure.  Emotions run high, and far too often involve retaliation as anger sets in in both parties.

– Confusion as to ‘what-if’  (i.e., what went wrong), and when no answer is pinpointed, making up reasons for parting leads to stress overwhelm.

– no closure being allowed, the what-if questions are carried over to the next relationship.

A bad break up dooms a new relationship from the start.  Rule of thumb: get proper, and as amicable parting as you can.

Author: Pascale Aline

Psychotherapist & Performance Coach, I specialize working with tools for self enhancement, growth, productivity and healing (Biofeedback, EMDR, Mindfulness training)

2 thoughts on “Break ups – the good ones and the bad ones”

    1. Hi Ceme, this topic will develop over time, there is a practical information about this that can be presented. come back from time to time. thank you for the feedback!


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